I haven't posted anything for quite awhile, but today I just need to write in hopes of helping myself.
Two things that seem to make depression very difficult is first, the cost of treatment, and second, the fact that people don't understand it.
Having two daughters with mental illness, a son with ADHD, and myself who struggles with mental illness, the cost of treatment can add up very quickly. All four of us have seen therapists which can cost 70 plus dollars an hour. The cost to see a good psychiatrist is even more. It has definitely taken a financial toll on my family.
It's difficult to deal with any type of illness, but specifically one which people in general don't understand. Severe depression can be so overwhelmingly debilitating, but yet others around you have no idea what is occurring. I can hide away in my house, sleep the day away, or spend my day accomplishing almost nothing. I typically can come out of hiding when I have things that I have to attend to, but usually only my family is aware of what is really going on.
Since my first severe episode of depression which occurred a few years ago, I have never been back to a 'normal' functioning level. I still struggle to accomplish every day tasks. There are definitely days that go better than others, but I have had to learn to function a little differently than I would like to. I consider my successful times to be the days when I feel happy. I may not be able to take on as much responsibility as many people, but if I feel happy, I consider that to be a success.
I have to keep retraining myself on how to overcome my negative thoughts. So many times I just feel as if I have nothing to offer to the world. I can barely get myself out of bed some days, so how could I possibly contribute anything of value to the world.
There are days that I wonder what is wrong with me. Why is it that others around me seem to be surrounded by friends? It seems in my case that people will be my friend for a short while, but then for some reason once a person gets to really know me, the frindship deteriorates. I try to reach out to others, to help others, to be kind to others, but that doesn't work for me. I don't know what I do wrong, so I seem to come to the conclusion that I must have an ulikable personality. That must be my problem.
I know these negative thoughts aren't healthy. But It's hard to keep telling myself over and over again to not believe my harmful thoughts, when I feel as if I have so many circumstances that point to their validity.
Through my struggles, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of a Savior who offers me His pure love. At times when I feel alone in the world I am so blessed that I have an understanding of who I can turn to for comfort.
