"A Significant Work to Perform"

Over the past couple of weeks my family could have really benefited from an extra large roll of bubble wrap - like the kind you find wrapped around fragile items in order to give them protection.  It started off with my eight year old daughter hitting her head on her window seat, resulting in a large goose egg on the back of her head.

The next injury occurred when my four year old son was waiting for his bedtime story, which obviously did not come soon enough.  In frustration, he threw his book from the top of the stairs, thinking that his actions might get him his story sooner.  In the meantime my ten year old son happened to be right in the line of target as the bedtime story came to an abrupt stop when it collided with my sons face.  I never knew books could actually have the power to produce a cut worthy of an emergency visit to the doctor.  I discovered that night how powerful books can be; in more ways than one.

Our next incident came when our eleven year old (soon to be 12) daughter decided to have a hair flipping contest at school with her friends.  Sounds innocent enough.  If you lived in the 80's you'll likely remember back to the unforgettable fashion in girls hairstyles.  The previous evening my daughter had seen "Footloose" performed by the junior high school kids in our area.  The girls in this school production had the classic 80's hair do with their long curly hair and big puffy bangs.  To go along with the fabulous hair do they also did the dramatic hair flipping that was popular during that time for dancers, pop stars, and bands.  Flipping your hair down and quickly spinning your head in a 360 degree motion, will create this popular hair flipping move (for lack of a better term).  This actually can be quite entertaining to watch.  However, in my daughter's quest to win this hair flipping contest, she ended up giving herself a mild case of whiplash.  But please take note, that our daughter did win the hair flipping contest.  Oh, the sacrifice for the important things in life.

Our ten year old son within a couple days  of his first injury became the victim once again.  In the midst of a little sibling squabble, my son stepped back onto a lamp cord, which sent the lamp falling from the top of his chest of drawers onto the back of his head, leaving him with yet another cut.  While I examined his cut, my  four year old son slipped down the stairs, scratching his back, while my eight year old daughter stepped on a toothpick, causing the end of it to get lodged into the bottom of her foot.  My husband worked on consoling the boys while I worked on getting the toothpick out of the bottom of my daughter's foot.  We finally ended that evening of injuries having my son's head sealed with a stitch.

To add to our other previous injuries, my eight year daughter was playing on a slide with her friend, when the two of them collided.  We again ended up in the doctor's office to have x-rays done of her foot.  They sent her home with a splint, and she has had her share of time on crutches and hobbling along the best she could for the past week and a half.  But just to add to the excitement of it all, my four year old son has had a terrible cough causing him to actually vomit on a couple of occasions.

As I've thought about the physical injuries and ailments that have created so much commotion for our family recently, I have also reflected many times on the help that we all have to offer to one another.  My brother who is a doctor, and his sweet fiance, were able to come to our rescue on many occasions over the past couple of weeks.  During this same time I was throwing a wedding shower for my soon to be sister in law. She thanked me for still being willing to do the shower for her, after the many family injuries that had occurred.  But the only response that I could think to tell her was that she and my brother were there to help us through a good portion of our string of injuries, so I turn was just giving back what they had already given to me.  We were both there to help one another.  This experience got me pondering upon how each and everyone of us are here to help and to benefit from one another. 

I recalled many experience's that I have had in which another individual or family along with my own family and me, have both been able to benefit from each others love, compassion, and service.  I thought about the opportunity I had to visit with a friend who had recently lost her husband to cancer and how I gleaned from my visit with her, a deeper gratitude for the gift of life and for the knowledge that I have of eternal families.

I thought about a friend who has shown compassion and understanding to me as I have faced my struggles in overcoming depression.  I also thought about this same friend who's husband is currently unemployed and about the opportunity that my family had to purchase groceries for her family in their time of need.

I reflected on the recent times when I've been able to give back in a small way to my mom as she has been recovering from knee surgery.  And of course, I thought about the many times I've been ill and my mom has willingly done house work, laundry, child care, taxi driving, etc, in order to help me - not to mention the numberless acts of service she provided for me as a child.

I thought about the opportunity I had the other night to give a good friend a ride home and how she in turn blessed me by listening and caring as only a good friend can.

I recalled the recent opportunity I had to care for my sisters children while she was able to go on a weekend get away with her husband. At the same time I was reminded of the many times she has helped with my children and willingly listened to me cry, laugh, and vent.

I thought about two young ladies, both from an inner city who knocked on my door the other night.  Both girls were working on improving social skills and job skills by selling magazine subscriptions.  I took the opportunity to help these kind girls by ordering a childrens magazine subscription for my kids.  These girls in turn opened up an opportunity for me to share with them a "Book of Mormon," (a religious book that serves as a companion to the Bible).  This book is very dear to my heart and this young lady at my front door who had traveled from Arizona, had been yearning for a copy of the Book of Mormon so she could read it for herself.  The desire of these two girls to learn, allowed me the privlege of sharing what I consider to be one of my personal treasures.

I thought about the blessing of being able to serve in the Young Women's presidency in my ward where I get to work very closely with the 14-15 year old girls.  I love these girls and feel very blessed to be able to glean from their energy and spiritual strength. A couple of weeks ago I was able to teach them a lesson on having a personal purpose here on Earth.  As I completed the lesson, I left for home feeling like I didn't do justice to a topic that I feel so strongly about.  Not long after that, I received a text message from one of my young women that I taught.  She simply said "Thank you for the lesson.  I've been wondering about that a lot lately."  Once again an example to me of how we all are here to help and benefit one another.

I think what encapsulates the message that I've tried to portray is a statement that the radiologist made to my eight year old daughter as I was giving her a piggy back after her foot injury.  She said, "you sure have a nice mom, to be giving you a piggy back....but I guess one day you'll probably be doing the same thing for her."  How true that is.

In dealing with depression, sometimes I've felt as if I have nothing to offer.  We may wonder what our personal purpose is, or if we even have one.  In times of such questioning it helps me to remember the experiences that I have had which have allowed me to recognize that each and everyone of us has a purpose, a mission, and a reason that we are here on this earthly journey. Bishop H. Burke Peterson summarized this idea perfectly.  He said:

"Do you think for a moment that Heavenly Father would have sent one of His children to this earth by accident, without the possibility of a significant work to perform?...

"My dear friends, you are a royal generation.  You were preserved to come to the earth in this time for a special purpose.  Not just a few of you, but all of you.  There are things for each of you to do that no one else can do as well as you...If you will let Him, I testify that our Father in Heaven will walk with you through the journey of life and inspire you to know your special purpose here" ("Your Life Has a Purpose," New Era, May 1979, pp. 4-5; italics added).

Do we have a purpose?  We do. All of us do.  I may have the adversity of depression that may cause me to think otherwise at times, but as I recognize the role that we all play in the lives of those around us, I am reassured that you and I, and all of us have a very special and very personal purpose here on this journey.

Lives Lost and Hearts Broken

I previously had written a blog entry concerning suicide.  I was nervous about how to approach the topic of suicide, so I shared more general information in the previous post.  However, since then I've felt the need to share some more information regarding suicide, in hopes that my message might convey my desire to help others 'choose life.'  This is not an easy subject to approach or to share personal insights on.  I have taken time to ponder and to write and rewrite the contents of this post.  I hope that the message I'm trying to convey will touch hearts and the Spirit of hope and love that this is written with will shine through.

As members of the Church of  Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we are taught of the importance of caring for our bodies.  We understand that obtaining a physical body as we enter into mortal life, is an important and essential part of our learning here on Earth and our progression towards eternal life.

In Moses 1:39  it reads:

"For behold, this is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."

We are taught in this scripture that the Savior's work is to provide for us the pathway to resurrection in which our bodies and spirits will be reunited after the separation of physical death in our mortal state.  As mortal beings we are imperfect and therefore require the atonement to aid us in overcoming our imperfections and to provide us with the strength necessary to be able to bear the burden of our individual adversities and trials.  It is only through the atonement that we are capable of becoming more like our Father in Heaven and obtaining the gift of eternal life.  Having a physical body is a precursor that is necessary for us to obtain in order for our eternal progression to continue.

Understanding that the gift of a physical 00body is vital to Heavenly Father's plan, can help us to recognize the importance of caring for our bodies.  God gave us life when He provided for us a physical body to house our spirits. Because our lives are essentially a gift from God, it is not our right to decide when life should end.  We understand the grave consequences of ending an other person's life, but what about those who choose to end their own life?  What happens to them?

There are still many things about suicide that we don't have answers to.  Knowing that we don't understand and comprehend all things, can help us to find a deeper gratitude for the one who is all knowing.  We can count our blessings that us, with our limited knowledge and understanding are not responsible for judging the acts and choices of others.  There are some things that we have been taught by prophets  that I feel are important for us to understand, concerning suicide. 

Elder M. Russell Ballard provided for us some insights into answers pertaining to suicide.  He said:

"The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion. The living victims struggle, often desperately, with difficult emotions. In addition to the feelings of grief, anger, guilt, and rejection which the victims of such a family feel, Latter-day Saints carry an additional burden. The purpose of our mortal lives, we know, is to prove ourselves, to eventually return to live in the celestial kingdom. One who commits suicide closes the door on all that, some have thought, consigning himself to the telestial kingdom.  Or does he? What is the truth regarding suicide

I feel that judgement for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, 'Thou shalt not kill.' Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? I feel the Lord recognized differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance in their system that led to despair and a loss of self-control?

Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.

Thankfully, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught this enlightening doctrine:
'While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard. … He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men, but, "according to the deeds done in the body whether they be good or evil," or whether these deeds were done in England, America, Spain, Turkey, or India. … We need not doubt the wisdom and intelligence of the Great Jehovah; He will award judgement or mercy to all nations according to their several deserts, their means of obtaining intelligence, the laws by which they are governed, the facilities afforded them of obtaining correct information, and His inscrutable designs in relation to the human family; and when the designs of God shall be made manifest, and the curtain of futurity be withdrawn, we shall all of us eventually have to confess that the Judge of all the earth has done right.' (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, edited by Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1938, p. 218.)

I draw an important conclusion from the words of the Prophet: Suicide is a sin—a very grievous one, yet the Lord will not judge the person who commits that sin strictly by the act itself. The Lord will look at that person’s circumstances and the degree of his accountability at the time of the act. Of course, this gives us no reason to excuse ourselves in committing sins, nor will the Lord excuse us, if I understand correctly. We must constantly strive to do our best in following the example of the Savior in every aspect of our lives. At the same time, however, let us remember that spiritual growth comes “line upon line,” that the key—in the spirit world as well as in mortality—is to keep progressing along the right path."  (M. Russell Ballard, “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,” Tambuli, Mar 1988, 16)

Because suicide is such a difficult and sensitive subject to know how to properly approach, I felt it important to refer to the teachings and insights of the church leaders in order to establish a more accurate perception and understanding concerning suicide. was hesitant to expound too much on this topic. As was stated previously, I have felt the need to bring additional enlightenment to the reality of suicide associated with mental illness, and hopefully take on at least a small role in contributing to some prevention of this terrible tragedy.  Although suicide is not a comfortable topic to discuss, it can have such a devastating impact on individuals, families, friends, and communities, that I recognize it as a necessity when addressing the concerns and risks of mental illness.  

Listed below I have included some facts and information concerning depression:

Clinical depression affects more than 15% of the population to an extent that they should seek treatment. People often don't seek treatment however and choose to believe that it is simply a bad mood that will pass. Indeed depression is known as the "common cold" of mental disorders and nearly a quarter of a million people are hospitalized with clinical depression every year. People get depressed over many things such as work, financial troubles, married people are more likely to get depressed than single people and the physical and emotional consequences of substance abuse can often resemble clinical depression.

Clinical depression is much more than being sad over high credit card bills, a missed promotion or loneliness, clinical depression is a serious, disabling condition that can consume life and can lead to thoughts suicide. Like many diseases such as cancer, clinical depression is progressive and will get worse if not treated. Fortunately clinical depression can be a temporary problem, unfortunately some people solve this temporary problem with a permanent action of suicide. It is important to seek treatment now before it gets worse.

National Referral has directed thousands of individuals to the resources they need to find a solution to their problem. Whether it is clinical depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, or co-dependency involving any of these disorders, National Referral can help.

If you or a loved one is having trouble concentrating, is often agitated or non-responsive and is suffering from a disruption of normal activities, we encourage you to call National Referral today. Clinical depression should be taken very seriously and action is required sooner than later.

The call is confidential and free so do call today.

  ("Clinical Depression", National Treatment Referral, http://www.depression-information.net/clinical-depression.htm).

Knowing the potential serious consequences of untreated clinical depression, I want to share with you a personal experience that brought to my memory many vivid and heart wrenching reminders of my personal confrontation with suicide.  I recognize that I am opening up to share some very personal experiences, that are not easy to express.  However, I have been touched by others who have willingly shared with me their personal struggles with depression and contemplations/and or attempts of suicide.  As a result of the courage and the faith I have seen others display in choosing to continue to fight their battle in the midst of great turmoil, I too have felt the need to express the vital importance of continuing to find faith and hope, even, and most importantly, when we feel as if we are hopeless.

One evening not long ago, my ten year old son approached me wanting to show me two animated video clips that he had explained to me as being very sad.  As he proceeded to show me these video clips I discovered that they were displaying experiences of two different children who both had lost a parent. Integrated into these videos was also a portrayal of the troubling emotions and the extreme sorrow that these children were experiencing over their loss.  I initially didn't realize the depth of impact that these two videos had on my son, until shortly thereafter when I found him sitting on the couch with his Nintendo DS.  I approached him to attempt to reinforce with him the understanding that he can come to his dad and me at anytime to talk with us about anything he may not understand, or that makes him feel uncomfortable, or sad.  However, instead of finding him happily entertained by his hand held game, I found him on the couch sobbing uncontrollably.  He was so distraught that he stumbled over his words and he had difficulty in attempting to express his thoughts.  I motioned for my husband to come over, and through a series of questions we discovered his source of anguish.  Having seen these two videos of children who had lost a parent, conjured up a vision in my son's mind of him being in the position of losing a parent.  As he tried to assimilate this scenario, he was overcome with sadness and sorrow at the thought of this possibility.

Seeing my son so emotionally distraught in this situation, caused a recognition in me of how truly devastated my children would be if they lost their mom.  The grim reality and the heart wrenching reminder of my personal experiences set in.  I too was overcome with emotion.  I excused myself to my room where I began sobbing.  I experienced a gamut of emotions as I recalled a night when I was in the midst of one of my very lowest points in my battle with clinical depression.  I was completely engulfed with the overwhelming symptoms that accompany depression.  I felt indescribably hopeless and worthless. It was during this very dark time that I literally was brought face to face in a personal battle between life and death. 

I had never experienced some terrible life tragedy that brought me to this point of contemplation.  However, that is one of the ironic things about depression.  A person does not have to be the victim of a tragic event to become a sufferer of clinical depression.  This belief that is still so predominant creates the idea that if you are a victim of depression and you haven't experienced  a  terrible life tragedy that at least seems to somewhat explain why you would feel the way you do, then it must mean that you are just plain weak.

The belief that depression is only for the weak, has created a barrier that prevents people from being open with the idea of discussing depression.  Although there has been a trend amongst some to more freely discuss depression, the general population still considers it a taboo topic.

The victims of depression can come from any background, race, gender, income level, etc.  However, no matter the varying background of depressed individuals, each will suffer with distorted thoughts and emotions.  The distortions among depressed people are the very things that conjure up suicidal thoughts and wishes.  This is exactly why some individuals can have what is perceived to be a seemingly simple, trial free life, and yet they struggle with depression and suicidal tendencies.  While others deal with tragic losses and events and still remain hopeful and free from the grasp of depression.  It's not necessarily about whatever seemed to be the cause of depression, but it's more about the distorted thoughts and emotions that accompany depression,  which  then leads to feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and  in some cases, consideration of suicide. 

"Research studies have shown that your unrealistic sense of hopelessness is one of the most crucial factors in the development of a serious suicidal wish.  Because of your twisted thinking, you see yourself in a trap from which there seems to be no escape.  You jump to the conclusion that your problems are insoluble.  Because your suffering feels unbearable and appears unending, you may erroneously conclude that suicide is your only way of escape.  If you have had such thoughts in the past, or if you are seriously thinking this way at present, let me state the message of this chapter loud and clear: You are Wrong in Your Belief That Suicide Is the Only Solution or the Best Solution to Your Problem.  Let me repeat that.  You are Wrong!  When you think that you are trapped and hopeless, your thinking is illogical, distorted, and skewed.  No matter how thoroughly you have convinced yourself, and even if you get other people to agree with you, you are just plain mistaken in your belief that it sis ever advisable to commit suicide because of depressive illness." (Burns, H. David "Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, p. 385).

I too want to echo the words of Dr. David Burns in his bold proclamation that suicide is not the answer!  I have personally experienced both ends of the spectrum and I too can tell you that suicide is not the answer.  As I sat in my bedroom sobbing after my encounter with my emotionally distraught son, I recalled that dark and forlorn night when I almost completely gave up hope. My personal struggle in my fight for life became a very poignant reminder for me as I thought about what might have been if I had made a different choice that night.  I had never really gained such a meaningful sense of gratitude for my choice to live, and to continue to fight my battle, until I saw how profoundly my son would have been affected, had I given up hope. I suddenly was overwhelmed with gratitude for the small glimmer of light that I had left within me that night which allowed me to choose LIFE!  How grateful I am for my knowledge of a Savior who knows and understands my personal trials.  I'm grateful for the blessing that I have had in finding treatment that has been working for me.  I am grateful that my kids still have their mom and that my husband still has his wife.

In Mosiah 18:8-9 we are taught that we should be willing to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort  and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

It seems to me that many times when we obtain even a glimpse of commonality with other's in life's adversities, that we are better able and more compelled to do what we are taught in Mosiah - bear one another burdens, mourn with those that mourn, comfort those in need of comfort and stand as a witnesses of God.

This was my experience when I saw just a glimpse of the devastating affects that suicide can have on those left to mourn.  I felt even more of a fervent desire to reach out to those whom are struggling with depression.  I know and I understand the depth of anguish that wreaks havoc on depression sufferer's.  I know the extreme hopelessness that can drive depressed individuals to believe that suicide is a possible solution to end their suffering.  I made my decision that suicide is not the answer, but it wasn't until I saw my son's deep emotional reaction to the thought of losing one of his parents, that I gained a better understanding of the immense impact suicide can have on family and loved ones.

I sat contemplating my new found gratitude for life and for the blessings that crossed my path which allowed for me a greater capability to choose to continue my mortal journey.  As I absorbed this new personal realization I also considered other individuals and families who had been in similar circumstances, but yet their outcome was one of tragedy.  I yearned to make a difference however small it may be, in preventing suicide.  My heart ached as I thought of individuals who became so hopeless that suicide became their reality.  I was filled with extreme sorrow as I thought of those husbands, wives, children, parents, and siblings who are left to cope with the indescribable emotional anguish as they mourn over their loss, and attempt to find understanding in the tragedy.  I longed to be able to find a way to make a difference in the lives of those dealing with mental disorders, in order to help prevent suicide.

Many questions ran through my mind as I attempted to sort through my thoughts and emotions.  I analyzed many aspects of dealing with and treating depression.  Could these suicide victims may not have been financially able to receive treatment?  Was their treatment not working effectively?  Were they too embarrassed to seek treatment?  Were they worried about appearing weak, or maybe they didn't know what exactly was causing them to feel this way, so their world seemed like never ending hopelessness and despair?  Many times we don't know the answers to these questions.  So how can I help?

I've decided that for now the best way that I can help is by sharing my experience with others.  Although it's not easy, I want to let people know what I've learned and gained from my personal struggle with clinical depression.  I hope to help others understand that it's okay to talk about depression, and for those suffering with clinical depression, it's important to receive proper treatment.  For the family members and loved ones who are dealing with the affects and devastation of suicide, please know that my heart goes out to you and I pray that you will find a measure of peace and comfort as you search for emotional healing and understanding. If you are currently struggling with feelings of hopelessness, please hang on, seek out treatment, and know that you are not alone in your journey.

A New Beginning

We recently moved into our new home that we have been building for the past seven months.  We have loved it!  One especially unique blessing that this new house has presented to us is the opportunity for a new beginning - a fresh start.  Of course we are starting new with our physical surroundings, but with this move I also wanted a new beginning and fresh start in both my individual and family life.  Over the past year and a half the debilitating affects that depression has brought about in my life have created such upheaval that I feel as if my family is having to literally rebuild a foundation.  My children, particularly my oldest child, has most directly felt the ramifications of a mother who has been ill for an extended period of time.  It's difficult to assimilate the realization that my family has been so greatly affected by an illness that I was suffering from.  I've had to remind myself on many occasions that the best I could do in my situation, was to not give up.  I  had to continue to implement different methods of treatment to find a good combination that worked for me. And I've had to continue to practice and apply the principles that I've learned in working with a professional counselor.  But most importantly, I couldn't give up.

In a study conducted by the All India Institute of Medical Sciences they found some very interesting information in relation to depression.

"The WHO-funded study looked at the ‘disabling effects of depression’ on 200 patients who were attending the Out Patient Department (OPD) at the Department of Psychiatry at AIIMS. For over two years, the patients were monitored and assessed thrice before coming to the conclusion that depression can affect the productivity of a person much more severely than physical disability.  

Depression is highly common and according to WHO by 2020, it would be the second-most prevalent condition worldwide. Depression affects more people than HIV or road accidents. The disease usually brings with it a high level of disability,” said Dr Rajesh Sagar, Assistant Professor, Department of Psychiatry, AIIMS who conducted the study.

The chief objective was look at the ‘disabling’ factors that come with various mental illnesses. Besides depression, patients with five other mental illnesses like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, dementia and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), were part of the study.
Among all six illnesses, the disability levels of patients suffering from depression and schizophrenia were found to be the highest. 

Among patients who were monitored during trial, 43 were suffering from depression. The promising find was that almost all patients improved after one year of treatment.When the bouts of depression were severe, the disability too, was severe. But as they continued with treatment, their depression scores reduced. Small things like refusing to socialise, not going to work, no concentration or inefficiency are all factors that count as disability and put the patient out of action,” added Dr Sagar. 

According to experts, the study is significant as it establishes the severity of mental illnesses in comparison to physical illnesses. “People usually do not consider mental illnesses, especially depression, as a handicap. While someone without vision or with a physical handicap can be happy and efficient, depressed people cannot perform their duties and hence their condition is worse than a physical disability,” added Dr Sagar." (Krishnan, Vidya  "Depression more debilitating than physical disability: AIIMS study, Indian Express.com)

I am not qualified to claim an accurate opinion comparing physical and mental ailments.  I personally have not walked in the footsteps of a blind person or a physically handicap person.  I believe that each of life's adversities bring with it different challenges that only the Savior can truly understand.   I have a great admiration for the individuals who carry the burden of any one of these physical ailments and I would love to emulate the courageous traits of so many of these faithful people.  I in no way want to minimize the challenges that physical ailments present to so many people, however I believe this study is applicable for the sake of promoting a better understanding of depression, and shedding additional light on how this mental disorder truly affects it's sufferers.

As I have fought my personal battle with depression, I have dealt with the debilitating affects that accompany it..  I have awoken to many days of struggling just to get myself out of bed.  I have felt the overwhelming heartache and despair of a mother and wife who could barely maintain and care for the basic needs and necessities of her family because of  the crippling affects of depression.

I have had times of such an extreme lack of energy and motivation mingled with such deep feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness that many of my day time hours were spent much like a physically ill person.  Many of the simplest tasks felt like insurmountable mountains to climb.  For me to even get my kids a bowl of cereal or to put dishes in the dishwasher, at times was an overwhelming obstacle.

I had a difficult time talking with and connecting to others.  I didn't feel capable of relating to elements outside of my world of darkness and despair.  Concentration and decision making became very arduous.  I couldn't think clearly.  I felt as if fog had encircled my mind, creating a barrier to navigate my way to added mental clarity and understanding.

As a result of these debilitating affects of depression, I've had to really work on adjusting my way of thinking and doing things.  Two predominant concepts that I consider to be important in coping with the debilitation of depression are first, the idea known as "do nothingism."  And second, grasping the concept of properly prioritizing.

David Burns in his book "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy," discusses the components of the "do- nothingism" concept.  He said:

"One of the most destructive aspects of depression is the way it paralyzes your willpower.  In its mildest form you may simply procrastinate about doing a few odious chores.  As your lack of motivation intensifies, virtually any activity appears so difficult that you become overwhelmed by the urge to do nothing.  Because you accomplish very little, you feel worse and worse.  Not only do you cut yourself off from your normal sources of stimulation and pleasure, but your lack of productivity aggravates your self-hatred, resulting in further isolation and incapacitation.

If you don't recognize the emotional prison in which you are trapped, this situation can go on for weeks, months, or even years.  Your inactivity will be all the more frustrating if you once took pride in the energy you had for life.  Your do-nothingism can also affect your family and friends, who, like yourself, cannot understand your behavior.  They may say that you must want to be depressed or else you'd  'get off your behind.'  Such a comment only worsens your anguish and paralysis.

Do-nothingism represents one of the great paradoxes of human nature.  Some people naturally throw themselves into life with great zest, while others always hang back, defeating themselves at every turn as if they were involved in a plot against themselves.  Do you ever wonder why?

If a person were condemned to spend months in isolation, cut off from all normal activities and interpersonal relationships, a substantial depression would result.  Even young monkeys slip into a retarded, withdrawn state if they are separated from their peers and confined to a small cage.  Why do you voluntarily impose a similar punishment on yourself?  Do you want to suffer?  Using cognitive techniques, you can discover the precise reasons for your difficulties in motivating yourself.

In my practice I find that the great majority of the depressed patients referred to me improve substantially if they try to help themselves.  sometimes it hardly seems to matter what you do as long as you do something with the attitude for self-help." (Burns D. David, Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy, p.81-82)

I came to recognize the benefit of abiding by the "do-nothingism" concept.  If i could get myself up and doing something I could usually find greater satisfaction in the act of "doing," than I originally thought I would or could.  The key to this, is finding the strength to get up.  Even if what is accomplished is perceived to be very simple and insignificant, it's at least a step in finding some satisfaction and sense of accomplishment in the act of doing.  I found for me personally that I typically struggled more with negative thoughts and I felt more emotionally insecure on days that I couldn't find the strength and willpower to get up and do something.

Knowing that I had limited strength and energy, I learned to recognize the importance of properly prioritizing.  I use the word properly because depending on our various individual circumstances our priorities shift.  As we go through different seasons and experiences in life are priorities tend to fall into different levels of importance.  It is up to each of us individually to determine the proper place of our priorities based upon our circumstances.

I personally believe there are certain principles that should always be top priorities.  These consist of our relationship with God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, and our relationship with our families and ourselves.  Beyond that I believe each of us according to our personal situations may vary in the way in which we choose to prioritize.

To take this idea even a step further, we can learn to properly allot time and energy spent in any given area by becoming more familiar with and aware of our personal perspective in relation to our changing circumstances. 

For example, you may be used to reading a chapter in the scriptures everyday.  But perhaps in your individual circumstances it is more proper for you to read only one page in your scriptures and spend more time on your knees praying.

Consider a situation in which you have a previous extended family commitment.  However,you also have a child who is struggling and is in need of the listening ear of a loving parent.  Instead of rushing out the door to get to your extended family commitment, you decide to take the opportunity to sit down and talk with your child who is longing for the love and understanding that only a mom or dad can offer.

Envision yourself as a dutiful relief society teacher.  You love to prepare lessons with hand outs and you must have a decorated table to set the tone for the lesson.  However, if you also acknowledge the difficult and time consuming personal situations that have overtaken your time, the importance of finding the additional hours for hand outs and table decorations diminishes.  In this situation you've recognized that if your lesson is prepared with love and prayer under the direction of the Spirit, it won't make any difference whether your table was adorned with beautiful decorations, or you crafted the most creative hand outs.

I am a person who loves to be of service to others.  However, I have found myself in situations when I have placed so much effort and time into serving, that I found myself drained and depleted.  I left little time to nourish and care for myself, leaving me all too often unable to accomplish other things that were of high importance to me.

I am a great advocate of self care.  I haven't always been.  I admittedly clung to the wrong perception of what caring for myself truly meant.  I think many times we, including myself, envision caring for ourselves as being selfish.  We think that taking time to nourish our own mind, spirit, and body demonstrates an unwise use of our time.  That of course can be true if we spend so much of our time doing things for ourselves that other areas of our life become neglected. The ideal is to always strive to maintain balance. With that being said,  I also think it's important to understand that there will likely be circumstances in our life when it may be necessary to spend more time caring for ourselves than we otherwise would.  During these times it's imperative to remember that selfishness involves a disregard for others; it's purpose is to satisfy or meet one's personal needs without concern for the welfare of others.  It involves an "all about me" attitude.   That is not the purpose behind or the reason for nourishing and caring for ourselves.  We care for ourselves not because we are selfish, but because it is healthy for us - mentally, spiritually, and physically.  We won't be able to fully appreciate the benefits and blessings of service if we are neglecting to care for our own selves.

President Harold B. Lee once said, “You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on higher ground than he is” (“Stand Ye in Holy Places,” Ensign, Oct. 2008, 47).  In order for us to be able to stand on higher ground, we must take the time and the initiative to nurture our mind, spirit, and body.  As we do this we will find that our capacity to help lift others to higher ground will dramatically increase.

I've learned to recognize that for the sake of my health, I can't live a fast paced life.  I have to be content with a medium paced lifestyle.  I've learned that I have to take care of me and that's okay - and even healthy for me.  I've recognized that I can't allow undue stress to consume me, or else I will soon feel the aftermath in the form of depressive symptoms.  This may be a life long pursuit for me to continue to discover and rediscover how to cope with clinical depression.  In the eyes of the world and their perception of my outward struggles with this illness, I could very likely be classified as one who has digressed.  However, if you ask me, I would suggest just the opposite.  I have had to adjust my priorities in a new and different way that might not appear appealing to others around me, but they work better for me in my situation.  The understanding and knowledge I've gained through my experiences have given to me a deeper testimony of eternal principles that are irreplaceable.  This has been the component that has allowed for me to gain a greater capacity to love, forgive, serve others, and to more fully emulate our Savior.  To me, that is progression!

Thank you Mormon Women and Mormon Times!

I want to express a heartfelt thanks to Michelle Linford, the editor of mormonwoman.org and to Emily Jensen from Mormontimes.com for featuring a post from my blog on January 3&4, 2011.

In my battle with clinical depression, I have come to recognize what a lonely tribulation it can be.  There are those who through lack of understanding, still cling to the stigmas associated with depression, and believe in the many myths that continue to plague this illness.  And yet there are still many others who want to help and understand, but they aren't quite sure what to do or say, so silence prevails.

Because depression can cause such devastating feelings of worthlessness and overwhelming hopelessness, depression sufferers may feel like they are alone in their struggles, which then can continue to validate their feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.  Depression is a serious illness and can even be life threatening.  Therefore, I believe it becomes even more important and vital to it's sufferers to feel understood and to recognize that they are not alone in their struggle.

As I began to find some relief in my personal battle with clinical depression through proper treatment, I felt a strong desire to share with others my journey.  I was reluctant in the beginning to have my name associated with my blog.  I didn't know if I was capable of allowing just anyone to know that I had been fighting a very difficult battle with clinical depression.  However, as I began to have more confidence in myself and my purpose for creating this blog, I soon became more comfortable with the idea, and just recently included both my name and picture on my blog.

The spark that created the desire in me to share with others my journey came about for several reasons.  First, as a way to express my gratitude for the "angels" that have helped carry me through this trial.  Second, to create and promote a better understanding and perspective of those who struggle with clinical depression (as well as anxiety).  Lastly, I felt a strong desire for the need to be open with my experiences through this trial, in order to help others carrying the same burden to recognize that they are not alone in their battle.  I believe that sometimes the Lord expects us to share our own personal experiences in order to bring some light and hope to other of God's children.

Thank you again to the good ladies at Mormon Women and Mormon Times for their kindness and the opportunity they created for my blog post to reach many others who are sharing my same struggles.  I have found additional strength and  peace as individuals have in turn shared with me their experiences with clinical depression.  I've heard the accounts of several faithful people who continue to press forward in their personal battle.  Thank you for sharing with this daughter of God your faith in Christ.

~Ariane

You can find the link to both of these websites listed below:

Mormon Women:

http://mormonwoman.org/2011/01/03/finding-the-light-from-within-an-lds-woman-writes-about-her-depression/

Mormon Times:

http://www.mormontimes.com/article/19176/Battling-clinical-depression

"Understanding Depression"

WebMD had an another interesting and informative overview on understanding depression.  I love to gain additional insight into more fully understanding depression.  I hope that you too will find some good and helpful information from this article.  The link is listed below.

INFORMATION FROM WEBMD
 
Depression Overview Slideshow
 
http://www.webmd.com/depression/slideshow-depression-overview
 
To view, click on the address above or copy and paste it into your Web browser.

"Myths and Facts about Depression"

I received an email today from WebMD.  They featured some very insightful information about what is and is not true about depression.  Because depression is still misunderstood in many ways, I thought sharing this information might offer a different perspective to many who may not understand what depression is and how it affects the individuals who struggle with it.  The link is listed below:

INFORMATION FROM WEBMD
 
Slideshow: Myths and Facts About Depression
 
http://www.webmd.com/depression/slideshow-depression-myths
 
To view, click on the address above or 

copy and paste it into your Web browser.

 

Understanding the Gifts of our Savior

The Christmas season seems to stir within our minds and hearts increased feelings and thoughts of compassion, joy, love, and cherished memories.  But for some it can also be a time of intensified feelings of loneliness, sadness, guilt, and hopelessness.

As I have taken time to reflect upon this past year, I've been reminded of many things that have transpired throughout the year.  My husband through the course of the year, worked on and finally completed, his final courses for his Master of Health Administration degree. He graduated on December 10th, and we all celebrated the excitement of this accomplishment and new milestone for our family.

Another life changing event in our family happened in June of this year.  My husband and I felt like it was time for our family to move from the home we had previously bought seven years ago.  This was not an easy decision for us, as we had grown to know and love so many dear friends and neighbors, so when our house sold in only one week, it took us for an emotional spin.

After a lot of pondering and searching, we finally settled on a neighborhood where we began the process of building a new home.  While our new home is under construction we have been renting a house, where we have had many memorable (more than I care to remember) experiences involving rats, broken appliances, and a lot of spiders.  We are very excited and feel very grateful for the blessing we have of being able to move into a new home, which we are anxiously anticipating within the next few weeks.

As I have taken a trip down memory lane of 2010 I have imprinted upon my mind additional experiences that tug at my heart and vividly remind me of the reality of adversity and trials.  I understand through my own personal trials, the feelings of despair and hopelessness as I have fought the battle of mental illness.  These vivid reminders have taught me to better recognize and empathize with those around me; to more fully understand the difficult feelings that accompany many of life's trials.

Although I have made significant improvements throughout the year, my family and I are still experiencing some ramifications of my struggles with mental illness.  It is difficult to maintain a household and family structure when mom isn't capable of functioning at a normal level.  As I battled with many days of hopelessness and despair it became a struggle for me at times just to get myself out bed to take care of the basic needs of my family.  Today we are still dealing with the affects of my illness as we now are trying to regain some normalcy within our home and family.

However, considering that the purpose and reason for many of our trials is for us to become better, stronger, and more faithful, I can't fail to mention the blessings that I've gained as a result of my trials.  As we celebrate at this time of year the birth and life of Jesus Christ, I have taken time to reflect upon the wonderful blessing that this knowledge has brought to my life.

Through my personal adversities I have come to realize a deeper understanding of the Savior's love and sacrifice for each and everyone of us.  I've come to more fully recognize the Lord's awareness of all of us and the reality that He knows each of us personally.

My husband's aunt once shared with him her favorite adult Christmas memory, which I believe solidifies  the knowledge of our own personal worth in the sight of our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ.  In her words she related the following experience:

"We took our Young Men and Young Women to feed the homeless at the homeless shelter the week of Christmas, but first we had to make 450 sandwiches.  We counted sandwiches after we had them made and came up 100 short. So we ran to the store and grabbed more bread and meat and made the 100 more.  We got to the shelter in Salt Lake and were overwhelmed by how many people were there, it was such a good experience for not only me but for the kids (they still talk about it to this day).  When we were done handing out the food, the director came to thank us and told us we had fed a record number of people that night (600), and we had only made 450 sandwiches. But wait a minute that's not the end of the story.  After we were done taking kids home me and another leader decided to go Christmas shopping at Toys R US.  When we got done shopping we went to put the packages in the back of my Explorer, and lo and behold I let out a scream, there were two big garbage bags full of sandwiches. I scared the woman to death that was with me.  We couldn’t believe it, and we fed 600.  We went home and decided to call the Road Home overflow shelter which is not too far away from my home and told them we had 100 sandwiches we needed to find a home for. The woman on the other end of the phone just started crying and said she couldn’t believe it, she had just gotten word that a bus load of 100 were coming and needed to eat.  They had a few things for them to eat but nothing to make up the main part of a meal until we had called.  The miracle of the loaves of bread and fishes does still happen."

Does the Lord know me personally, and you personally?  The answer is yes!  The Lord was very aware of the personal needs of these individuals without a home or food, and He is very aware of  each of us and our personal needs.  Sometimes it takes faith, time, and trials to be able to see and recognize this blessing in our lives.  But He has given us the assurance that He is always there.

"I will not leave you comfortless:  I will come to you....Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  -John 14:18&27

As I have contemplated all of the events of the past year, I can most fully express with overwhelming gratitude my strenghtened knowledge of the most precious gift we have been given.  Only through my trials have I come to more fully appreciate the sacred nature that the understanding of the love and example of our Savior Jesus Christ has given to me.  It is my hope that through my strengthened understanding and knowledge that I too will share this gift with others as a token of my gratitude and expression of my love to our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ.  How grateful I am for this Christmas season, in which we commemorate the birth and life of our Savior.  And, how blessed I am to have the knowledge that our Father in Heaven knows me, and all of us personally, and that through His Son we may all find happiness and healing.