Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Depression struggles

I haven't posted anything for quite awhile, but today I just need to write in hopes of  helping myself.

Two things that seem to make depression very difficult is first, the cost of treatment, and second, the fact that people don't understand it.

Having two daughters with mental illness, a son with ADHD, and myself who struggles with mental illness, the cost of treatment can add up very quickly. All four of us have seen therapists which can cost 70 plus dollars an hour.  The cost to see a good psychiatrist is even more. It has definitely taken a financial toll on my family.

It's difficult to deal with any type of illness, but specifically one which people in general don't understand.  Severe depression can be so overwhelmingly debilitating, but yet others around you have no idea what is occurring. I can hide away in my house, sleep the day away, or spend my day accomplishing almost nothing. I typically can come out of hiding when I have things that I have to attend to, but usually only my family is aware of what is really going on.

Since my first severe episode of depression which occurred a few years ago, I have never been back to a 'normal' functioning level. I still struggle to accomplish every day tasks. There are definitely days that go better than others, but I have had to learn to function a little differently than I would like to. I consider my successful times to be the days when I feel happy. I may not be able to take on as much responsibility as many people, but if I feel happy, I consider that to be a success.

I have to keep retraining myself on how to overcome my negative thoughts.  So many times I just feel as if I have nothing to offer to the world. I can barely get myself out of bed some days, so how could I possibly contribute anything of value to the world.

There are days that I wonder what is wrong with me. Why is it that others around me seem to be surrounded by friends? It seems in my case that people will be my friend for a short while, but then for some reason once a person gets to really know me, the frindship deteriorates. I try to reach out to others, to help others, to be kind to others, but that doesn't work for me. I don't know what I do wrong, so I seem to come to the conclusion that I must have an ulikable personality. That must be my problem.

I know these negative thoughts aren't healthy. But It's hard to keep telling myself over and over again to not believe my harmful thoughts, when I feel as if I have so many circumstances that point to their validity.

Through my struggles, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of a Savior who offers me His pure love. At times when I feel alone in the world  I am so blessed that I have an understanding of who I can turn to for comfort.


  1. sadly, I can personally relate to everything you said here (except I have no family) - and also know there is something "wrong" with me. only the Savior truly knows what each person is experiencing - and I am SO grateful for His love (even when I'm unable to feel it due to depression). please know that I often think of you - wondering how you are doing.

    hang in there, blessing WILL come!!
    in the words of Elder Holland...
    some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come

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  5. I have just found your blog. My daughter is struggling so much right now. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sending her the link. She is battling rebellion right now. She feels God doesn't love her because she cannot feel him, she cannot feel happy and Satan is always at her door. I don't know how to help her. She has stopped going to church and questions if there is a God. She is in so much pain. She is on medication but it only keeps her numb. She doesn't feel happy. She has tried to commit suicide and we have had her in treatment. I wish I could help her....I'm hoping your blog will help her feel a little less alone...thank you for writing....please continue to share...May God bless you in your struggle and may you be blessed for sharing and helping others who suffer.

  6. You have courage and faith. I too suffer with mental illness (Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, Borderline personality disorder) and can relate to so much of your struggle. I can tell you are strong and I know from personal experience that these difficult challenges truly do bless us. Keep hope close to our heart and pray unceasingly. If you need a friend, please seek me out. I would love to hear more from you. You can find me here if you would like: http://anonartburden.wordpress.com/